


Miserable At Best

by Elizabeth_Holmes



Series: Queenie Goldstein and Jacob Kowalski Take on the World [1]
Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Get away from me, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I promise theres a happy ending but damn, Jacob to the rescue, Mostly hurt though, Queenie and Jacob deserve eachother, Song fic, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, i'm not crying you're crying, post movie fic, this is going to seriously hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:57:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8757106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elizabeth_Holmes/pseuds/Elizabeth_Holmes
Summary: Queenie watches Jacob from afar, trying her very best to not be in love with him. She's hurting and so is he. The difference is: Jacob doesn't know why. Queenie tries to forget, she can't. Things have to get worse before they can get better. Songfic: Miserable At Best - Mayday Parade





	

**Author's Note:**

> I was just eating dinner and listening to my music on shuffle and this happened and it was only supposed to be a short drabble but then it turned into this mess and I'm so so sorry.

_ Katie don’t cry, I know you’re trying your hardest and the hardest part is letting go….. _

 

Queenie Goldstein tries not to cry, as she stands in the bakery and watches...or really, listens, to different women flirt with Jacob Kowalski. At first, it does not really mean anything to her. She knows his feelings for her, even if he does not remember them. Even if he does not remember her. 

 

_ Of the nights we shared. Ocala is calling, and you know it’s haunting.  But compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright… _

 

But Jacob is so pure and good and wonderful. And she loves him so much. He is a good soul. Not all the women flirting with him have the best of intentions, either. She just wants to protect him. And poor Jacob does not even know they are flirting with him. He is not flirting back. He is just being himself: kind, friendly, passionate. 

 

_ And when we look to the sky, it’s not mine, but I want it so…… _

 

She follows him sometimes. At first, it is to see him. Just to see him. She does not touch. She does not reach out; she knows that she cannot. She knows it would be wrong, and would hurt them both even more. 

 

_ Let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight (I know he’s there) you’re probably hangin’ out and makin eyes (while across the room he stares)  _

 

She tries to play it cool when she watches different women talk to him. Even the woman at the bar likes him. People like Jacob, and why is that so wrong? It is not. It just hurts Queenie Goldstein, is all; because she is not allowed to like him, or love him. Or anything. 

 

_ I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance.  _

 

She is English. The first woman who has the nerve to ask Jacob Kowalski to dance. Jacob is a bit shocked. 

 

“What, me? You mean me? I- I oh I...I’ve got two left feet doll….” 

 

_ And she’ll say yes. _

 

The English girl is convincing though, and Jacob is dancing with her now. He is making awkward small talk, and stepping on her toes. Queenie adores him more for his candor, when he tells this woman at the end of the night that he liked dancing with her very much, but right now just is not the time. He is not sure why, he tells her. But he knows something is amiss in his life. Plus, after all, he has a bakery to run.

 

_ Because these words were never easier, for me to say, or her to second guess. _

 

Now Queenie is ready. She could not have said it before, before it was all over. She was ready now, but it was too late.  Jacob had willingly walked into the rain and erased every memory of her. 

 

_ But I guess: That I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best. _

 

She cries so often. So, so often. But she never lets her sister see. It would hurt Tina too much to see her sister like this. So Queenie does not say a word about her hurt. She goes to work. She is listless, like never before. The moment she sees Tina, though, she perks up. She will never make Tina feel her pain. It would not be fair, and Queenie, these days especially, is very big on fairness. 

 

_ You’re all that I hoped to find. In every single way.  _

 

Queenie sees so much love in Jacob Kowalski. There is not another man like him on the planet. Not no-maj or wizard. Not even Newt Scamander is like Jacob. Not that Newt is not kind. But there is a light in Jacob that Queenie cannot describe. 

 

_ And everything I would give is everything you couldn’t take.  _

 

She would give it up for him. She would live the life of a no-maj. Jacob is that kind of man. He is a good man. She would give up magic for him. She would never see her sister again, for him. Jacob knew this, she thinks. That is why he said no. That was why he walked away, into the obliviation rain that day. 

 

_ Cause nothing feels like home, you’re a thousand miles away _

 

Queenie is at home less. Because she cries so often, and she can not have Tina see that. So she starts going to the no-maj speakeasy. This is not to follow up on Jacob Kowalski (not entirely, anyway). This is to get a drink or two in that her sister will not hear about. Tina asks too many questions these days. 

 

_ And the hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.  _

 

One drink every few nights becomes one drink every night. One drink every night becomes two drinks. Then it becomes three. 

 

_ ‘Cause I know I’m good for something, I just haven’t found it yet. But I need it… _

 

Queenie wishes she could see the worth in herself that Jacob had. Wishes she could see herself through his eyes again, but even a legimens’ memories grow rusty and old with time. 

 

_ So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight (I know he’s there and) You’re probably hangin’ out and makin' eyes (while across the room he stares).  _

 

The pretty English girl is back. She is worming her way into Jacob’s heart. 

 

_ I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance. _

 

Queenie’s heart breaks again and again as she sees them together. 

 

_ And she’ll say yes. _

 

Queenie tells herself no, when she thinks of jinxing this woman. It was not fair to Jacob. It was not fair to Jacob. This is what she tells herself over and over again. 

 

_ Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess. But I guess… _

 

She almost tells him. Almost kisses him in front of that English girl and gives it all back to him. But that would be wrong. That would be so wrong. And after all, MACUSA can work fast. He would not get to keep these memories anyway. 

 

_ That I can live without you, but without you I’ll be miserable at best. _

 

The alcohol does not even help her any more. Even when she starts to go to other speakeasies. Ones she knows Jacob will never appear. 

 

**La-da-da. La-da-da. La-da-daoh. Ohhh…**

 

She just wants it to stop hurting so much. Why was she destined to hurt so much? Why did everyone she loved (save Tina) have to be ripped away from her? It was not fair. And Queenie, these days, was big on fairness.

 

_ And this’ll be the first time in a week, that I’ll talk to you and _

 

She has long since stopped going to the bakery. She does not want to see him there. She does not want to see him in his natural habitat, so full of life and so so so beautiful. Today though, she goes. His sweets will cheer her. His smile will brighten her day. 

 

_ And I can’t speak _

 

But when Jacob tries to talk to her, ask her how she is, she cannot make her voice work. Her lips move, but no sound is made. She pays for her pastries and leaves silently. Jacob Kowalski watches this woman as she walks away, and he knows he knows her. But he does not know how, or where from. 

 

_ It’s been three whole days and I can’t sleep cause I dream of his lips on your cheek _

 

She wishes that Jacob Kowalski would get out of her head. Maybe there is a solution. One she has not thought of...well she  **has** thought of it, but it is not right, so she tries not to. But it keeps popping back into her head at the worst moments. 

_ And I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not that strong  _

 

Queenie realizes that she has never been strong. She sits at a table, back at the speakeasy that Jacob and his now girlfriend like to frequent and watches them slow dance as she drinks gin. 

 

_ And I miss the lips that made me fly _

 

She cannot do this any longer. Queenie is tapping out because life has been too hard and she simply cannot. She knows that it’s wrong to leave Tina but she knows her sister will not be alone in this world. Newt Scamander will come to her side and be there, when Queenie can not. He has before and he will again. But she wants to say goodbye. She isn’t even thinking as she walks across the dance floor, grabs Jacob Kowalski by the lapels of his jacket and pulls him in for one last kiss. 

 

“Goodbye sugar.” she says softly. Jacob’s girlfriend doesn’t take kindly to this. She is yelling, But Queenie is already on her way out; of both the bar, and this world. 

 

_ So let’s not pretend like you’re alone tonight (I know he’s there and) you’re probably hangin' out and makin' eyes (while across the room he stares) _

 

Queenie Goldstein stands at the top of a tall building, and looks down as her tears spill to the ground. She thinks of how selfish she is.

 

_ I’ll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance. And she’ll say yes. _

 

How selfish it had been to watch Jacob. How selfish it had been to wish his lovers away. Not that her wishing ever did anything, but still. And this. Standing up here on this building is selfish too. But it will be better for all involved- 

 

She takes the first step, but finds there is an iron tight grip on her wrist, pulling her back.

 

“What are you doing!?” Jacob Kowalski has tears in his eyes. He is gasping for breath as he pulls her further away from the edge. 

 

“Mr. Kowalski, I-” 

 

_ Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess. But I guess…. _

 

“Don’t call me that! It’s Jacob. It’s been Jacob for ages but you just- Queenie, how could you- how could you think this was the answer?”

 

He is yelling at her. He is crying. She is crying. 

 

“How- how do you know my name?” she asks. She herself is having trouble breathing now. 

 

_ That I can live without you but without you I’ll be miserable at best _

 

Jacob is shaking his head. “I’ve...I’ve known since the other day. It all came flooding back. I wanted to see you. I went looking but, the land lady said you and your sister had moved, and you left the bakery so fast. And you...you didn’t come back. And tonight! Tonight I was there and you were there and you-” Jacob is choking back tears. He grabs at Queenie’s face, staring into her eyes. 

 

_ And I can live without you but, without you I’ll be miserable at best. _

 

“I didn’t mean to, Jacob. I didn’t mean to give them back. You weren’t supposed to know. I’m so sorry.” Queenie is shaking. 

 

“Why wouldn’t you want me to know? How bad you’re hurting. You- don’t you know me, Queenie? I’d never- I’d never have walked into that rain if I’d known it was gonna hurt you so bad. Don’t you know me better than that? You should’ve-” they’re both crying now, shaking together as he folds her into his arms. 

 

“I’m sorry.” Jacob sobs. 

 

“It’s not your fault, Jacob, I’m just selfish-” Queenie is caught off guard by the wild look in Jacob’s eyes.

 

“Stop sayin’ that. Stop sayin’ that. You’re not selfish Queenie. You could never be selfish. You got the biggest heart in the whole world and I- I threw it away, last year! And I knew but I- I thought you’d find somethin’ better, see? Thought you’d be fine and dandy and just peachy keen without me. I didn’t know. I didn’t know how much you loved me til-”

 

“Til when, Jacob?” Queenie is so confused as to how he could know any of this.

 

“When you kissed me, tonight. Don’t you know? I could hear you, in my head. I could hear it all. Everything. And I. Queenie, if I’d known. If I’d known…” 

 

“I’m sorry Jacob.” 

 

“Stop apologizing.” 

 

“Please don’t. Please don’t ever let me go again.” 

 

_ Oh, without you I’d be miserable at best. _

 

“Never again doll. Nev-ah a-gain. Fugget aboutit.”

  
Queenie Goldstein and Jacob Kowalski stayed there for hours, just holding each-other and crying. Jacob would never break that unspoken promise. He was never going to let himself lose Queenie again. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry sorry sorry.


End file.
